


same happy future

by watergator



Series: tiny human [2]
Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Fluff, Kids, Light Angst, M/M, greif, parent!phan
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-07
Updated: 2018-02-07
Packaged: 2019-03-15 03:55:44
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 870
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13605009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/watergator/pseuds/watergator
Summary: phil wants a baby with floppy brown hair and bold blue eyes and a dimpled smile and his own sense of humour.but phil cant have that.because phil cant have a baby with dan.





	same happy future

Sometimes Phil gets angry. Sometimes Phil will feel that little space in his heart where nothing is, and he fills it with anger, hatred and hurt.  
  
Sometimes Phil will be walking home from a meeting, huddled up in coats and scarves with Dan by his side as they ramble about anything and everything and a child will totter past them, each parent; a mum and a dad in each tiny hand, and Phil can’t help but feel a tiny bit mad.  
  
Sometimes they’ll be sat indoors, listening to the small sound of rain outside, talking about the future, and Phil will glance over to Dan and soak him all in.  
Phil’s heart will yearn for a mini Dan, padding around the nice Beachwood floor of their forever home, but he imagines a child that’s the two of them.  
Maybe she has Dan’s bouncy brown hair and dimpled smile but she’ll have Phil’s ocean eyes.  
Maybe she’ll have Dan’s intelligence; she’ll be so, so smart and maybe a little pretentious like her dad, but she’ll have Phil’s sense of humour and maybe she’ll be just as awkward as him - but it’ll be alright because she has two dads who have mastered the art of trying _not_ to be awkward.  
  
And Phil feels that sad, heavy empty feeling in his heart again, right where he fills it with anger. Because Phil can’t have a dimpled child with bright blue eyes or a brown eyed boy with ginger hair; because he can’t have a baby with Dan and it hurts so bad.  
  
He feels guilty too, because he’s so scared of voicing his hurt, the fear of the impression he’ll make, the comments of distant great aunts like, _“well if you wanted kids Phil, maybe you shouldn’t have married another man”_ and the guilt builds up on his heart alongside the hurt and grief, balancing dangerously there.  
  
He knows he has a right to be sad about it. Any other couple who can’t conceive kids is allowed to feel this way, so Phil allows himself to feel it too.  
He knows it’s okay, but he’ll only tell himself how he feels. Dan too.  
  
He wishes so badly for a child that maybe looks like him but as she grows people will say _“oh she’s looking more and more like her dad each day”_ and Phil can beam with pride because that’s their kid.  
  
And Dan reminds him with a gentle voice that biologically it doesn’t matter who’s kid it is because they’ll love them all the same. And Phil agrees, he’s open to the idea of adoption, the thought of giving a child a new home with open arms and warm hugs is such a beautiful concept to him.  
  
But Phil needs to grieve the child him and Dan can never have together. And maybe he’ll never be over it, maybe not until that void in his heart is really filled.  
Maybe when they have that tiny little life of their own, it won’t matter at all to Phil, he knows it won’t.

But for now he can only dream of a child who is little bits and pieces of them both.  
  
But on those days that Phil feels a little more angry than usual, he reminds himself of everything else.  
He reminds himself of Dan, the beautiful boy he has by his side through everything, how much love he has in his heart, and even though physically he might not be able to give him a child, they can still do it, somehow, someway, Phil can give him that family they’ve always dreamt of.  
  
They can raise maybe one or two kids just outside of London, they’ll have a dog and every weekend they’ll have family walks along a nice river and Phil will remember to bring a bag of bread for the ducks and Dan will scream as one of the kids gets too close to the edge to feed an angry looking swan, and the other kid will end up eating all the bread, and the dog will run off after facing a goose. And it’ll be disastrous, so, so stressful and crazy and maybe once in a million days, it’ll go perfect and Dan will huff a sigh and say _“now_ that’s _how you go on a cute family dog walk”_ and Phil will just smile fondly at his exasperated husband, just as their kids come waddling in and they want to watch a movie, but they both argue because she wants to watch the Spiderman and he wants to watch The Tweenies Christmas Special and she starts crying and Dan is going grey in the corner because oh my god.  
  
But it’s the family Phil wants, it’s the family they’ll have.  
And maybe it’s not the future Phil ever had envisioned, not the future when she has his eyes and he has his hair, and maybe she’ll have a strangers eyes and he’ll have the face of someone they don’t know.  
  
But really, when Phil thinks about it, when he heals that ugly hurt in his heart and replaces it with that familiar love, it doesn’t really matter.  
  
Because after it all, it’s still the same happy future.  


**Author's Note:**

> so this was fun to write, simply because i hardly ever write from phils perspective for anything and i thought this was also an important issue when it comes to same sex couples having kids.
> 
> anyways, after people loved the last parent phan fic, im starting a series, its called 'the tiny human series' (thanks phil lol) and follow the journey of dan and phil becoming parents and all that junk!! should be fun :)
> 
> if you liked this and would like to see more, leave a kudos or even better, leave a comment and tell me what you really thought!! they really help :)
> 
> thanks for reading, hope you enjoyed !! bye :)


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